| I've worked over 28 hours in the past two days. 7 of those were off the clock. Ah the joys of retail and Black Friday. And I get to open tomorrow. Work is my life... I don't know how I feel about that. But I am paying my bills.
Thanksgiving turned out better than I expected. I went to a house full of strangers and made some new friends. I thought I was going to be alone for some reason. Holidays suck when you're single and have no family. I guess that's why so many people get depressed. But I left that night with some new friends, a full stomach, and a bag full of food. I went to work later that night and worked from 8pm to 3am. Then I opened at 7am a few hours later. Yay for highly caffeinated Bawls energy drinks...
I guess God still loves me for some reason. Kind of silly that thinking that I didn't have a place to go for Thanksgiving kind of affected my idea of that. I don't know. I was starting to think the world forgot about me. It's funny how not being surrounded by campus people 24-7 can do that.
I don't like being alone. Developing deep, meaningful relationships out of school is hard with a full-time job.
There really has to be more to life than this. I want to do more creative things, but I also want a social life. It doesn't help that my job has me feeling dead when I'm done. I wish there were more of me to do everything I want to do.
Life is hard.
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| I overreacted again. I always do that when I'm under high stress.
Today sucked because I just couldn't focus on work. Because of my lack of focus, a lot of things didn't get done, and I ended up losing my temper. On top of that, people were just jerks today. Maybe I was being a jerk too. I don't know. It'd help if I didn't lack sleep and ate a little better.
So I didn't do a good job today. That's disappointing. But tomorrow's another day and I can't dwell on it.
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| I screwed it up again.
When it comes to women, I can't do anything right. I think that's a given.
I really am hopeless.
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| I just wasted 30 minutes of my life getting angry and worrying about my work.
This was 30 minutes I could've spent doing other productive things like sleeping, writing my story, drawing, or praying.
Why do I worry and fret? I worry and fret because one of my biggest insecurities is not measuring up and I feel trapped in a system where I will never, ever be good enough to satisfy my superiors for illogical and perhaps unfair reasons.
But stepping back and looking at the big picture, I need to remember that my job really doesn't matter. And it is for that reason that I shouldn't fret about it. If I do truly believe that God does indeed provide, which He has in this shocking several months of random jobs and periods of unemployment, then clearly I should be grateful that I even have a job. And if I no longer am working this job, my faith should tell me that I should be able to find another way to make money to live.
Knowing how little my job actually matters in the big swing of things should give me some rest. Even if people give me hell, in the end, I should be able to sleep well at night knowing that there are many ways in which bread appears.
After all, I've been through worse situations than this.
Job or no job, joy or suffering, still I will praise Him. No matter how many times feel cursed and hopeless, I will keep my eyes to heaven. Even if I feel useless or miserable, even if my own family rejects me, there is one who won't. After all my friends leave and I'm alone and I'm at the end of myself, He is my portion.
This is all that's left of who I am. When I have nothing left to give, all I can do is give in.
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| I'm a dead man.
You may see me walking around tomorrow. But that won't necessarily mean that I'm alive.
I care very little about my life. Yet I care so much that I care so little that it bothers me.
I really don't think I have a place on this earth.
I feel like I've lost interest in everything.
If I really did die tomorrow, I think people would notice, thought they'd probably forget about me in due time.
I do feel unimportant. And really, what good does my life do that people would even bother to take interest?
I pay my bills and I work. So I can pay my bills.
I get yelled at and treated like an incompetent person. I guess that's what I am.
Nobody notices if I do things right. So what's the point of trying to do a good job if I get treated like shit? My stupid ideals make me try to do a good job. Why can't I just stop caring?
I really am an incompetent individual.
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