| I just wasted 30 minutes of my life getting angry and worrying about my work.
This was 30 minutes I could've spent doing other productive things like sleeping, writing my story, drawing, or praying.
Why do I worry and fret? I worry and fret because one of my biggest insecurities is not measuring up and I feel trapped in a system where I will never, ever be good enough to satisfy my superiors for illogical and perhaps unfair reasons.
But stepping back and looking at the big picture, I need to remember that my job really doesn't matter. And it is for that reason that I shouldn't fret about it. If I do truly believe that God does indeed provide, which He has in this shocking several months of random jobs and periods of unemployment, then clearly I should be grateful that I even have a job. And if I no longer am working this job, my faith should tell me that I should be able to find another way to make money to live.
Knowing how little my job actually matters in the big swing of things should give me some rest. Even if people give me hell, in the end, I should be able to sleep well at night knowing that there are many ways in which bread appears.
After all, I've been through worse situations than this.
Job or no job, joy or suffering, still I will praise Him. No matter how many times feel cursed and hopeless, I will keep my eyes to heaven. Even if I feel useless or miserable, even if my own family rejects me, there is one who won't. After all my friends leave and I'm alone and I'm at the end of myself, He is my portion.
This is all that's left of who I am. When I have nothing left to give, all I can do is give in.
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| I'm a dead man.
You may see me walking around tomorrow. But that won't necessarily mean that I'm alive.
I care very little about my life. Yet I care so much that I care so little that it bothers me.
I really don't think I have a place on this earth.
I feel like I've lost interest in everything.
If I really did die tomorrow, I think people would notice, thought they'd probably forget about me in due time.
I do feel unimportant. And really, what good does my life do that people would even bother to take interest?
I pay my bills and I work. So I can pay my bills.
I get yelled at and treated like an incompetent person. I guess that's what I am.
Nobody notices if I do things right. So what's the point of trying to do a good job if I get treated like shit? My stupid ideals make me try to do a good job. Why can't I just stop caring?
I really am an incompetent individual.
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| I think I'm figuring out what it's like to take a detached approach to my workplace. It is reasonable to assume that there is way too much for a single person to accomplish alone when it comes to my tasks. Furthermore, it seems that customers are my greatest blessing and curse when it comes to being on task. All my coworkers are stressed as well and in their stress they release their anxiety in blaming behavior.
I can't let any of that destroy me. If I don't accept that there are things that are out of my control, I will destroy myself with guilt and feelings of worthlessness. I take responsibility for that which I have power over. I will not accept the blame for unfinished tasks that are resultant of factors which I have no control over.
Though if things continue and attributions continue to be made towards people rather than situations, I think somebody is going to get fired. But the delays and the overwhelming workloads won't stop until people view problems as problems instead of people as problems. The system itself is the culprit.
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| Why am I not more "career oriented?" Why can't I just "grow up" and be a "responsible individual?"
I'm a college graduate working minimum wage retail. Sometimes I enjoy my life. Other times I don't. I try to be proud of the job that I do, but I'm never acknowledged for it. Furthermore, I hate all the condescending looks from people who think that I should be doing something better with my life. People really don't give a shit and all they want to do is criticize my life like some bad movie that they paid a dollar for at the dollar theater.
Well I do think I should do something else too... But I have bills to pay and finding a job isn't easy.
But no. I'm not working "hard enough." And really I should just give up all my hobbies and everything I enjoy because they're "loser's hobbies" and a waste of money. So not only am I supposedly bad with money but I'm also a loser. Who pays all his bills.
I have no idea what the hell I want to do with my life and the last thing I need is pompous shitheads treating me like some fucking pity case.
Everyone's pushing me from all sides to do something "useful" with my life. Well gee, that'd be great if I knew what that was. Is it a sin that I somewhat enjoy what I'm doing? Just because I'm not making a six-figure salary and saving the world doesn't mean that I'm not doing anything with my life. Frankly, I don't want to stay in this job forever and I have many other aspirations.
But I guess I'll probably never "grow-up."
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| They're all better than me.
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